Lifting My Guilt

After my second miscarriage, I felt guilty. I largely carried that guilt because I had gone to amusement parks and rode the most exciting and fastest rides in the very beginning implantation stages of both pregnancies. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t aware of my pregnancies at the time. Logic doesn’t show its face during the grieving process of a miscarriage. I blamed myself for lifting heavy boxes of school supplies in my garage. I regretted drinking that glass of wine with dinner. How dare I take an allergy pill before entering a house full of pets when I knew I could potentially be pregnant! I was angry that I lost another pregnancy, and I directed that anger inward. It tore me apart, and left me bitter and hollow.

What it didn’t do, was keep me from trying to get pregnant again. I was determined to get pregnant as quickly as possible, and when I did, I vowed to take every precaution necessary. As soon as I knew I was ready to ovulate, I ceased any activities or consumptions that could potentially terminate that pregnancy. When we saw and heard a beautifully strong heartbeat at 6 weeks (the first heartbeat of any of our pregnancies), I was validated in my efforts. However, a few weeks later, we were saddened to find that the only heartbeat left in my body was my own.

After shedding a few tears, hugging my husband, and making a call to my mom and my work, I felt my remaining heart dull. I shared the news with family and friends, but I wasn’t feeling much of anything. My D&C appointment the next day was business as usual. I was awake for the procedure, and did not cry at any point. I came home, and mostly felt inconvenienced by the intense physical pain. A few days later, I cried. But it wasn’t for the loss of a pregnancy. I cried for the loss of my humanity. I had never blanketed myself with such a tough defense, but clearly, I needed it. My heart wasn’t ready to process that loss.

My stoicism helped to push all my previous guilt away. I no longer took responsibility for any of my lost pregnancies. It was clear to me that something larger than my actions were responsible for them. While it was odd to not feel any sadness, I was grateful for the freedom from guilt. This freedom allowed me to keep moving forward with strength and determination. I was immediately ready to attempt a fourth pregnancy.

Unfortunately, my fourth pregnancy ended almost as soon as it began. For this one, I wept. I let out all the grief I had been holding during my third pregnancy, and combined it with this loss. I spiraled down, and sunk to a depth of pain and anxiety that has been difficult to climb out of. I no longer feel guilty. I no longer feel numb. What I feel is a complete devastation and loss of control. I am fearful that I just might never be able to hold a pregnancy to term. The acceptance of that fact has shattered me.

However, I am gently putting myself back together. I will not be deterred from trying again. I might not have control over keeping my pregnancies, but I do have control over my attempts, and how I move forward. And believe me, I am moving forward. Each loss arms me with more information than I had before. I am strong, and I am ready to conquer whatever challenges might present itself. Pregnancy number five is right around the corner, and I am ready to face it head on.

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17 thoughts on “Lifting My Guilt

  1. Elizabeth Jimenez

    Erica you are an amazingly strong person and you make me less afraid for all the unknowns when I have start trying for kids. I don’t know if that is helpful to you to know at all but really all I want to do it make everything work out for you guys because you are two of the best people I have ever known and I love you guys ❤️ I am always here for you both, whatever you need.

    Reply
    1. Ericamos

      I love you, Elizabeth! I’m so glad that I’m helping you be strong too; I never really thought about my words helping strengthen people, like you, who want to try for kids someday. That’s very rewarding.

      Reply
  2. Auntie Helen

    Dear Erica, sometimes life’s path and journeys are not fair and I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’ve had to endure….Thank you for sharing your heartfelt experiences, you are truly a beautiful woman inside and out. Stay strong. You are a blessing. Love You ❤️

    Reply
  3. Melissa

    You have not lost, but gained 4 angels! These precious heartbeats live on in heaven. My priest once did a sermon on this. If you name them, they become saints for you. Saints you can pray to every day! So don’t think of them as losses, but gains! Use them as strength to move forward. Love ya girl. Keep your head up!

    Reply
    1. Ericamos

      Aw, I really like this so much! There’s a lightness to thinking of them as gains. Thank you for sharing this new way of thinking with me. I’m so glad to have you as a part of my life. Love you!

      Reply
  4. Eleanor

    ❤ Your way with words is absolutely amazing! I think of you often and have continued faith you will soon be the awesome parents you’re destined to be! The road getting there has definitely been difficult, but you’ve been blessed with strength and love, and I know you will get through it all and will be amazing parents! I wish nothing but the best for you and Greg! Sharing this will not only help you in your journey, but can help so many other women experiencing the same. Much love always ❤

    Reply
    1. Ericamos

      Thanks, Eleanor!! I love you! Mostly, I just want to help others who are going through this same experience. Talking with other women who had miscarriages helped me feel less alone, but when the miscarriages kept coming my way, I started feeling, more and more, the odd-(wo)man out. My doc has spoke of other patients with same experiences, but I had yet to meet one. By putting my story out there, I am/was hoping it would find its way to someone who needed it…and I just found out yesterday, it did. My heart feels full knowing that my message has helped just one other person. <3

      Reply
  5. Angie Diaz

    Love your words and the way you’re able to express yourself. Sometimes that is so hard for some of us. These 4 babies you’ve miscarried will forever be a part of your life. I like the idea of naming them and them becoming your saints. I’ve only had 1 miscarriage and it always brings me sadness when the anniversary rolls around , this year Oscar suggested we named the baby. You are so strong Erica! We pray for you often!! You guys are so special to us , and we love you both very much!!

    Reply
    1. Ericamos

      Sounds like Oscar has some good ideas! Thinking of your baby as a saint is a nice way to turn the sadness into joy. I love you very much too! Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

      Reply
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